Board Member (Ex Officio)
Barbara Feaster Cofounder, Interim Executive Director, Age 36

 

In Elementary School I used to hide in a tire at the back of the playground.  I thought I was all alone and that nobody cared.  I thought I was a bad girl and that nobody would want to be my friend.  I would curl up in a little ball wishing I could disappear. Part of me wanted to be left alone because at least when I was alone I was safe.  When I could hear other kids laughing and playing around the tire I would hold my breath and be absolutely silent fearing that they might look inside and find me.  I felt ashamed and like there was something wrong with me.

 

I had a secret.  A secret that I was trying to forget.  A secret that I finally almost did forget as a teenager.

 

Even now as an adult, I have only 2 vivid memories of the sexual abuse.  The rest are vague and stuck in a fog.  Many I have blocked out altogether.

 

Factually I know that I was molested hundreds of times throughout my childhood by my father.  At a certain age, after realizing it was wrong I started pretending I was asleep at night when my dad would sneak into my room.  I kept my eyes shut pretending it was not real, simply a bad dream.

 

From the time I was 14 months old until the time I was 14 years old, my dad sexually abused me.  At 14 I stole a lock from my dad and started locking myself in my room at night.  This worked well until I was 16 and forgot to lock myself in before falling asleep.  I woke up to find my father violating me.

I then jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom.  Once inside I began sobbing... When I finished crying I went straight into denial and proceeded to convince myself that it was all just a terrible dream. I didn't want to believe that my dad would really do that to me so I blamed myself.  I told myself that I was a horrible, sick, and disgusting person for having a dream like that about my own father.

 

 Later that same year my dad went to his bishop and confessed. The bishop persuaded my dad to turn himself in to the police. The police kicked my dad out of our house, and a child protection caseworker was assigned to make sure the abuse had stopped.

 

After a while though, my mom called my caseworker and asked if my sister and I could be placed in foster care. I was upset at first; however this is when my new life of hope and possibility really began.

My caseworker ended up being my ultimate child advocate. Although I was shy and struggling with self-doubts she never underestimated my abilities. I could tell that she genuinely cared about me which meant a lot. She went above and beyond the call of duty to give me a chance and had so much faith in me that I began to believe in myself again. She placed me in a foster care program called Independent Living and worked it out so that I could move into my own apartment. She then arranged for the state of Utah to help me out financially until after I turned 18 and graduated from high school.  While in foster care, both of my caseworkers treated me like a real person with potential, not a broken victim. They made possible the life I have now.

 

I am grateful for the Bishop who persuaded my dad to confess to the police.  And I am grateful to all the people (my sister, daughter, friends, mentors, counselors, and caseworkers) who made possible the life I now enjoy.

 

Recently I asked my 80 year old dad why he confessed. He said, “Faith in God and my religion was why I confessed. I don’t have any regrets I confessed. If someone is abusing a child, they should report it. It will be worth it in the long run.” My dad has also agreed never to be alone with children. This is important, not only for my dad's safety and to help him maintain a healthy lifestyle, but additionally, this is important for the safety of precious children.

 

It has been over 15 years since I aged out of foster care and I am now a loving and devoted mother.   I am a co-founder of uFOSTERsuccess, a nonprofit organization that unites the child client constituency of foster care to improve foster care.  I serve on the National Advisory Board for the National Child Traumatic Stress Network. I know first-hand that even children from tragic personal circumstances have enormous potential and can rise to the occasion to reach success in their lives. I want children in foster care to know that they are just as important and valuable to society as the children of royalty!